I used to have a crush on a girl called Darlene. Darlene was Roseanne's youngest daughter. You know Roseanne - fat cow, big mouth - married to Dan. Yeah, I used to wish I could sleep in the same bed as Darlene so I could feel warm with her. Looking back now, I realise that what I really had was a crush on a dude with a baseball cap. I'd still boink her sister though, as my Aunty Gladis used to say.

I also used to fancy Blossom, who was Joey's sister. My crush on her didn't last for very long though. I soon realised her huge nose just wasn't plausible, and her friend, 'Six', seemed a lot more up for taking a good rodgering. Sadly, Six caught fat disease and ended up growing an arse equal in size to London.

Despite facing stiff competition for Daniel San's dog in 'The Karate Kid', I fell in love with his girlfriend. Again, I thought she would probably let me touch her stomach skin with my stomach skin and cause all sorts of weird, tingly feelings. Turned out she was a bit of a slut though. Ran off with some football jerk according to Daniel San. It didn't work out too bad because I developed a crush on his new girlfriend in Karate Kid 2. Doubt she would have been much cop in the sack, but her teeth were pretty straight. Just for the record, Daniel San's girlfriend in Karate Kid 3 was fat from the start, and therefore an obvious no goer.

I fancied the girl out of 'The Goonies', too. Well, both of them actually. Even though one of them (the one with glasses) looked like a boy who looked like a wet duck.

 Notice the violent nose.  Also perhaps her face is too big.  Looks like you could certainly place a few items on it.

So on the very left is Darlene, and on the very right is her superior - although slightly frightening looking - sister.  My God.  As you can tell by the expression on the boy's face, both his parents are fat.

 Now this is where things get interesting.  Daniel San's girlfriend was actually quite attractive, unlike anyone else mentioned so far.  I can't remember whether she needed a boob job or not...

You see that tall jerk in the middle with a blue jacket on?  Well, I fancied the girls standing either side of him.  Notice how the one on the right looks like a really fucking ugly duckling.  What the hell was my problem as a child?  Apart from the incest...

 And this is Daneiel San's girlfriend from Karate Kid 2.  Well, one of them is anyway.  You know what they say about Mexicans:  they all look the same.